Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
