Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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