I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
