I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
