My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
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The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
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You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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