If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
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she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
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His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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