im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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