I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.