Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
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Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
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On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.