How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
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My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
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I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants