New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?