I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
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Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more