my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
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I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
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There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell