ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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