I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.