i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We left the knife in your bed.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
