found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
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I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
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fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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