What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
