:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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