Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
