my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
