I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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