she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
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I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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