I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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