i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
