i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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