I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
our cab driver is having phone sex.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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