I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
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