Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
