She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
