After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
