This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
