I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.