I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.