P.S. I can't hear my feet
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.