You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
