hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.