Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
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He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
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STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.