So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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