how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You may now shotgun with the bride
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
