How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
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he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
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Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.