Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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