I wish I could punch you in the face.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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