It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
