I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
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He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
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You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?