I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
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He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
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We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.