Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.