i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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