I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Randomize
