and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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