I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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