here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
