This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.