I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
the day after is always just damage control
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.