Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
what the fuck happened to the tacos
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
