Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
