I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My cat gives me a boner
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
