Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
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Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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