Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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