On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
