How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
